The wife and I went to the movies and got our large tub of popcorn. Popcorn is my thing. The wife looked through the glass at the candy. Candy is her thing. We debated on Skittles or Goobers or Red Vines but settled on Junior Mints and took our seats in the theater.
Then it happened. Right then and there. In one exchange I realized just how opposite we really ARE from each other. She looked at me with those seductive eyes and said, “Can we throw Junior Mints IN the popcorn and make it a Junior Mints surprise?
Junior Mints surprise???
I had no answer. I was dumbfounded. In the past 23 years, the wife had tried this stunt before and I always dodged it. I didn’t say a word. You know when they tell you if you ever encounter a bear in the woods you should just freeze and play dead? I froze. I played dead. I hoped the request would go away. It didn’t.
The wife responded to my non response saying simply, “you’re boring.”
It was then that I realized there’s only two types of spouses in this world: those who savagely vandalize the beauty that is perfectly buttered popcorn with some hideous add-ins that certainly don’t belong in there… and those who don’t. The “don’t” people are clearly in the right here. We just are. Popcorn should be unadulterated, undoctored, free. But she gave me the look. So I gave in.
She cracked open the box of Junior Mints and dumped them in. The movie lights went down. We started watching the movie. And a funny thing happened. Neither one of us accounted for the weight of a Junior Mint. They’re heavier than an M&M and heavier than a Reese’s pieces. They sank to the bottom of the bucket like fifty little anchors. Boom. Gone into the abyss. For the next two hours my wife was forced to dig around the bucket with buttery fingers. She foraged and foraged. And every couple of minutes in the dark of the theater, she’d feed me a Junior Mint she’d fished from the bottom. She’d mix her’s with popcorn. She’d keep mine solo.
We went home and made mad passionate love as we thought about the popcorn and the candy. Well, I made up the last part. But we didn’t get divorced either. We kissed in the morning and I realized the popcorn hadn’t ruined our marriage.
Apparently you really CAN love someone with horrifyingly bad ideas involving popcorn. Which spouse are YOU?