Dear Ryan Reynolds,
It recently came to my attention. and that of dads everywhere, that People Magazine dubbed you the “Sexiest Dad Alive”. I believe their research methods should at least be scrutinized closely since it’s clear that I’m a dad, and I’m also alive, and they didn’t even include ME in the conversation… or other dads.
Sure you’ve made box office bazillions. Sure my wife and humans everywhere gaze longingly at your picture on magazine covers. Sure you speak lovingly about your daughter and all the fun adventures you have together. But does that make you the “Sexiest Dad Alive?”
OK maybe it does. But that’s not the point.
I think the point here is that People Magazine should have exhausted a search across every corner of the earth, looking at men who are dads, and men who are still breathing, and THEN, only then, administering a skills challenge to determine IF in fact they are the sexiest dad alive.
So here I am today Ryan Reynolds, challenging YOU sir, in a first-ever competition of skills to determine WHO in fact REALLY is the sexiest dad alive. We want this to be fair. So let’s take skills off the table that would give either of us an unfair advantage. For you, that would clearly be your acting prowess. For me, that would clearly be my naturally rugged and beautiful looks. So we take acting and looks OFF the table. Done. Now everything is fair. As for the challenges, I’m OK if your people contact my people to hammer out the details, but I suggest a ten step iron man competition as follows:
Forts: given only some bed sheets, a stapler, and your imagination, WHO can create the best bedroom Survivor-worthy fort for their children
Living Room Dancing: from tango to freestyle, a one-minute dance-off between dads using their kids as dance partners… (extra points for the Swayze Dirty Dancing lift)
Breakfast in Bed: $50 dollar limit to buy ingredients and cook the best breakfast in bed for the spouse and kids
Laundry: a competition of the best wash, dry, and fold. One load. Winner take all
Movie Theater Relay: accounting for a spouse and two kids and ALL the refreshments, can you carry a large popcorn, the refill popcorn, four large drinks, and candy to your seat without a spill
Morning Dash: one hour race to get the kids showered, clothed, and ready to go to school in the morning with breakfast eaten and lunch packed (and homework done)
Lego Battle: one package of at least 300 pieces and an instruction book. Who can build the fastest, most complete set, and hide the extra pieces so the kids don’t notice
Lullabies: WHO can sing a rock song that’s clearly not meant to be a lullaby in the best dad lullaby voice (proper words optional)
Girl Scout Cookies: a door to door sell-off to bank the most bucks in cookies (remember we took looks off the table so don’t try anything funny)
Each competition is worth a max value of ten points… and then there’s room for a ten point bonus question. Once all the competitions are complete, once all the points have been awarded, then we can REALLY decide who is Sexiest Dad Alive.
It’s game-on Ryan… game-on. Don’t be a chicken