My Wife Slapped Me With Bacon

It started many years ago when the wife and I were still dating. One day we had a playful fight and she reached for the one weapon within her grasp. She warned me. I didn’t believe her. Then whammo. I was bacon-slapped. I still remember the stingy, smoky feeling of bacon flying across my face like a slow motion uppercut in the Rocky movies… Adriennnnnneeeee…. you bacon slappppped meeeeeeee.

The bacon slap was written into Wilgoren family history. Earlier this year one of my kids was being their wise-ass self and I warned them. They didn’t believe me. Then whammo. Turkey bacon slap across the face. They laughed. They screamed. They were confused. They smelled like turkey bacon. It is a moment that will live forever.

Since then the kids have learned the bacon slap technique. Turnaround is fair play. It’s all in the wrist and the element of non-surprise. You tell someone you’re going to bacon slap them. They don’t believe you. Then you do it. And they’re shocked and horrified that you actually did it. It’s perfect.

Today I figured I’d broaden out my library of face slapping foods. One of my kids licked my arm at breakfast. She licked me again. I warned her. Then whammo. Pancake slap. She was shocked and horrified and laughing. It was the sticky sting of floppy pancake.

I have no doubt the bacon slap and pancake slap aren’t alone. The strategy likely works well with spaghetti… whammo… Super buttery spaghetti to leave a streak of shame. These need to be fun and playful and soft foods for fun. Don’t be an idiot. Don’t try a pound of flank steak… or a watermelon. Your significant other won’t forgive a lobster slap… but a churro… sure why not.

Keep it fun and keep it civil. All’s fair in love and food fights. If we can’t have fun with our families what’s the point…

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About dadmissions

author of Dadmissions. surrounded by a wife and two girls... and a dog named Cupcake
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