We finally took the perfect family photo. We did it. Holy crap we did it! If you don’t realize what a huge family achievement that is, then stop reading now. It is freakin huge. What made it the perfect family photo? Everyone had their eyes open. None of our eyes were devil red. We were all looking in the same general direction. We were all dressed nicely. None of us wanted to delete the picture afterwards. Why would anyone want to delete a photo? If you don’t know then stop reading now. How about rogue body fat or wrinkles or light shining just the wrong way on the face. It’s no wonder we hardly have ANY family photos. But on this day the stars were on alignment and the photo was freakin huge. So without further ado, allow me to share the eight steps to taking PERFECT family photos because since we took one.. we must be experts.
Hey it’s free online advice so you get what you pay for– don’t complain.
#1) deputize that one person who is most tech advanced to be the honorary photo arranger person who can tell you short to tall, kids in front, blah blah blah blah, stealing a page from every class photo you’ve ever done (like those turned out so great)
#2) hand over all your cell phones and smart phones at once so two or three people are tasked with trying to take photos on seven or eight cameras all at once while balancing them on their arms and wrists
#3) as the picture taker, confuse the crap out of everyone by trying to make them guess which camera to look at first when they’re all lined up… which creates the nice “we don’t know which way we’re looking look”
#4) make sure one of the photo takers has never actually used technology post-Polaroid so they ask “Do I just push THIS button?”. “Wait I don’t think it’s working”. “Did the flash go off”. Extra. points if they then blast themselves with the flash in the face.
#5) you can have them say “cheese” but that’s so 1960’s and my kids don’t even crack a smile over that anymore.. Try “butt munch” or “peanut butter in your underwear” or “the Kardashians have true talent”… If that last one doesn’t have ’em laughing with sarcasm then check the crowd for a pulse.
#6) once the photo is taken immediately go and delete the evidence of photos on all the phones which are blurry, or red eyed, or horrifyingly ugly in one way or another, because. undoubtedly THAT will be the photo which is instagrammed and Facebooked and made into someone’s inappropriate profile photo for years to come.
#7) rush and post the photo you DO like so you can get the first accolades because really that’s what is so important right? And then relish in the fact that you have such an awesome photo that has garnered so many likes. Relish in the fact that your family which is often a tornado of destruction looked so put together for one perfect moment,
#8) plan your Christmas card with the family photo. Hell, it’s not gonna get any better. If you took a perfect photo that’s like money in the bank baby! Put the shutterfly order in now. Holiday cards? That perfect photo. Condolence cards? That perfect photo. Graduation cards? That perfect photo. Why waste it. Don’t. Keep using it.
OK some of this was exaggerated. Some of it not so much. That’s why the perfect family photo where everyone is present, and dressed nice, and looking in the right direction, and smiling, and in focus is so amazingly perfect. It’s like a little snow flake of freakin awesomeness. And on one Sunday afternoon, my family finally did it.