Dadmissions: What Could Have Been

It can hit you at the weirdest times. It just does. And when it does… it gives you an emotional chill like a shadow from your past. I was driving my wife to work today as we often do in the morning and it hit me just then. She was going through Facebook scrolling by a picture of some old friends with their kids. I asked her, “don’t they have four kids now?” They do. And it hit me. We could too. Or could have. But don’t.

We’ve come such a long way… many years and thousands of miles from a phone call to my work one night. Something was wrong. My wife knew it. Through her tears she asked me to come get her. I left work right away. I found her in a stall in the women’s room at Boston University where she worked… crying.. her clothes soaked through with blood. I took her to the doctor but by then she knew… we knew… how could you not know… she had suffered a miscarriage.. what would have been our first baby as a newly married couple. Of course, my wife was physically OK and that was most important. We were assured we could try again at some point when the time was right. That was important too. In the meantime, we went home for a couple of days and hid ourselves in takeout and movies and self-pity. We told the few family members who already knew she was pregnant. But let’s face it.. There’s not a whole lot someone can say or do to make you feel any better. And all the good will can’t replace the fact that you were already secretly picking baby names and nursery colors and getting excited to be new parents. You compartmentalize that chapter of your life like an old photo in an album that you tuck away on a shelf and only glance at once in a long while.

Time passed. We went on to have a beautiful daughter Alicia.

We’d go on to have another miscarriage too. By that time we felt like old pros at it. This time my wife was right in the doctor’s office at her pregnancy exam when the doctor informed her she was miscarrying. It didn’t make it any easier. We went home. We hardly told anyone. This time, we poured ourselves into caring for our young girl at home that we already had. And again we compartmentalized that chapter of our life like an old photo in an album that we tucked away on a shelf and only glance at once in a long while.

Time passed again. We went on to have another beautiful daughter Andreya.

We chose not to try for more children. Out of four pregnancies, two ended in miscarriage. I feel blessed to have two healthy kids. Why test the percentages again. Sure once in a while the thought of another baby creeps in… the idea of raising a new baby and having that excitement back in the family. For us, the time has passed. But yes I still think about it… sometimes… at the weirdest times… that our family might have been bigger… could have been bigger… but isn’t. And I know there are so many other couples just like us. This is my subtle nod to them.. we’ve been there too. I’m not going to tell you how to feel. I just want you to know you’re not alone. You’re not. Today I flipped through that old photo album in my mind and was taken right back there.

I dropped my wife off at work and returned home to make breakfast with the kids as one danced around with her panda stuffed animal… And the other drew one of her fantastic drawings. They really are the most incredible kids. Yes I still think about it… sometimes… at the weirdest times… that our family might have been bigger… could have been bigger… but isn’t. It’s always going to be a page in that old photo album of our lives together. But my family is perfect the way it is and that’s just fine with me.

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I write a lot of stuff and sometimes it can be super personal… and when it is… like today.. I always run it by my wife first to make sure she’s ok with me sharing this.. She was. Find me on Facebook at dadmissionsthebook

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About dadmissions

author of Dadmissions. surrounded by a wife and two girls... and a dog named Cupcake
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16 Responses to Dadmissions: What Could Have Been

  1. GEEZ you’ve got me crying. Beautiful post and thank you for sharing.

  2. What a touching story. I’m glad it has a happy ending.

  3. Brandy says:

    Thank you for sharing! Sometimes it’s so hard to wonder what might have been. You’ve really done a beautiful job of capturing that. Thanks for the nod …

  4. AshleyLauren says:

    We’ve experienced a few miscarriages ourselves, so I relate a great deal to this. Its beautiful how you’ve held tight and leaned on one another during everything you’d been through.

  5. kathyradigan says:

    What a beautiful post. My husband and i went through 5 miscarriages and it is a pain that subsides but never really goes away. Thank you for sharing your feelings on it. As a women I often read other women’s accounts of their experience with loss but don’t get to read too many pieces written by men. Thank you again.

  6. I was having like thoughts today.

    And I do the same with my husband, just in case.

  7. crystal says:

    Thank you for your very personal share. I had a miscarriage before my oldest abd it tore me up for months and left me very paranoid through my first full term pregnacy. I went on to have 4 babies then miscarried again. So when #5 came along we decided to call it good. Its never easy, wa s easier when i knew i had healthy kids at home. The sad fact is more people will understand this then we think. 1 in 4 pregnancies.

  8. Donna Flint says:

    I think about that a lot too. Our family could have been bigger. I lost my first baby too. It was devastating at the time. Now, as I look back at our 8 grandbabies with one cooking, I know God had a plan for everything we went through. Thank you for sharing your story.

  9. Sandra B says:

    Im glad for you and your family to have overcome such a loss, twice to be exact and have two beautiful children. =)

  10. I’ll never forget those days and how helpless we felt. I still think about it now. My beautiful nieces are a true gift from God though; they bring sunshine into our lives on the cloudiest days.

  11. sniffles that was beautiful and deep. I too suffered a few miscarriages in between my beautiful kids. It is never easy and yet it gets to be like you are a pro. I don’t know why I miscarried so many times. It was four to be exact. I guess having O negative blood is not always in my favor. Sending, much love and respect to you and yours. Susana M. @ A True Mother’s Chronicles.

  12. Anne says:

    It is amazing when thoughts about this can hit you. My eldest who died at 2 days would be 20 next month. It hit me again at his grandfathers funeral 2 months ago. I am always impressed by thd truthfulness and honesty in your writibg, kerp going…

  13. Jo says:

    I’m a true believer that timing doesn’t “just happen”. 7 years ago, I lost my sons twin sister. I carried her calcified fetus along with her healthy brother to 38 weeks. Her presence and out loss, was constant for my entire pregnancy. I can’t even explain how hard it is to have the wound reopened everytime there was a scan and the birth itself!
    I too had tucked my photo album away for many years but out of the blue a few days ago, there she was, my little Kaidance Hope, taking over my thoughts. I cried for what was and what could’ve been. For a few days my loss has been breaking my heart and then today, I read ur story. Even someone who has been through the same heartache cannot offer the right words of sediment. However, today, u helped me find my peace again. Thank u for sharing such a delicate intimate part of ur life with me.

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