Dadmissions: The Exagga-letter

It’s that time of year, the most wonderful time of year, when you can show others just how awesome and wonderful and splendid and spectacular your year has actually been. Yes, it’s the time of year for the exagga-letter. I made that up. It’s a Dadmissions original. The exagga-letter is the letter which accompanies some holiday cards telling people just how great your family is doing. It’s not enough to send us a shiny picture of your family at some tropical destination. You need to include several paragraphs rubbing it in that the tropical vacation was just the beginning. You are the awesomest family in the world. The exagga-letter is just THAT, a magnified version of the truth, enhanced, fluffed up, puffed up, touched up, just like the photo that comes along with it. So this year, I am out to do the anti-exagga letter. If the reversal truth were really out there.. It might look like this:

Friends and family, well another year has passed, and our family is indeed still great. Joe got his first colonoscopy in April and that was really a trip. I attached a couple of extra photos for you to see.. amazing what cameras can do nowadays. Little Joe is in the fourth grade now and growing fast. He still likes to eat his boogers but it’s a work in progress and he’s only eating a couple a day now. Boys will be boys I guess. Jane is in second grade and has a major overbite coming in and a lisp just like Cindy Brady. “She sells sea shells on the sea shore…remember that”? Wow, can’t wait to see the orthodontia bills on that one… she looks kind of like a child vampire. As for me, I have some adult acne, my roots are showing, and every time I sweat I fear that I’m going through menopause. Nothing yet though. Joe is going bald, has a six pack (in the fridge not on his abs) and snores like a large steam engine at night. The sleep is soooo restful. He and I are planning a staycation for the holidays that will likely consist of pizza and Netflix and large amounts of empty wine bottles stacked on the counter. He’s such a romantic. We are making love a couple of times a month. Thought you should know. Wow that 50 Shades really did us some wonders in the bedroom! He’s a tiger. Speaking of tigers: the car has 85,000 miles on it and lugs around two kids all day so the back looks like a zoo. Maybe next year we can be part of that Lexus December To Remember event. In the meantime, we are planning to win the lottery this year and will tell you all when we win so you can watch us accept the check. Until then, we are still awesome. We hope you have a great holiday, but not as good as ours. Love us.

There it is. The anti-exagga letter. If you are sick and tired of the exagga-letter you may want to try that one. And have a great holiday. Remember, when you get those letters, they’re just like Facebook posts: 45 percent truth and 55 percent sugarcoating. Author’s note: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. So if you’re kid actually DOES eat his boogers, it’s just a coincidence that I’m talking about him.

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About dadmissions

author of Dadmissions. surrounded by a wife and two girls... and a dog named Cupcake
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One Response to Dadmissions: The Exagga-letter

  1. We all enjoy those not-to-be-believed letters from narcissistic acquaintances. Your post was absolutely hilarious. See our not-nearly-as-funny attempt from two years ago:
    http://permissionslips.wordpress.com/2011/12/09/let-the-mompetition-begin/

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