Dadmissions: Holy Crap I’m Pregnant!

The following story is inspired by actual events..except the pregnancy part because that would just be weird

I took my kids to the Color Me Mine pottery place and it became crystal clear. Out of 35,000 items there to paint, they focused right in on two of the oddest parent dolphin baby dolphin sculptures I had ever seen. Both immediately decided that it had to be a momma dolphin and a baby dolphin. Both immediately decided that even though dad took them, and dad was spending time with them, and dad was paying for it, that the dolphins would be painted and delivered to mom as a special gift. It is that mother daughter bond which is so special and loving and tender and caring and unique and overpowering to my manhood. So I’ve thought long and hard. How can I earn the true love of children, the devotion, the dolphin painting prowess, the special bond that these kids have with their mom. I came to only one solution: I gotta get knocked up.

I haven’t told the wife yet. But near as I see it, the only way I’ll ever tip the balance of power in this house back to level is if I get pregnant with two kids as well. I don’t know much about male and female anatomy or how it would work. I know pregnancy is painful. I know conception is fun. I’ll wait till my temperature and body is just right, and scramble to get the wife to conceive at just the right moment. My wife can put my legs in the air or do one of those yoga poses or whatever they think works to get pregnant. But I will become man-pregnant. And then I will carry two children for nine months. We could do one at a time. But guys are always in a hurry to get things done so I’m just gonna try a two for one. Wow. Quick. She got me pregnant with twins! Fertile woman. Her seed is strong.

Oy veh. This pregnancy thing is dragging on but I’m almost there. Nine months of pregnancy weight and I have the stomach of a small bowling ball. My ankles kill. I am thinking this wasn’t such a good idea. Delivery day. Oh crap. My water just broke. That felt weird. Wife is driving me to the hospital where we are delivering our two children. We drive into the hospital and say we’re in labor. The nurses bring a wheelchair to the wife… And she motions towards me instead. They’re a little in shock so as they wheel me in, I explain about the balance of power, and man pregnancy, and dolphins and pottery. I am breathing fast now. They measure my man regions for dilation. That’s a little weird too. Breathing faster. I am in pain so much pain. Oh my god what did I do. My wife tries to feed me ice chips. I unleash a torrent of swears and screams and tell her she better never touch me again. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. And then with one final push from the most unlikely of places, this dad delivered his family’s two new bouncing baby kids. Oh my god!!! I’m a mom!!!! My wife’s a dad!!!!

A few days later we leave the hospital with all our kids– the two older ones and the two new ones. I’m still in my hospital gown but we stop by the Color Me Mine store. I ask for two of the parent dolphin baby dolphin statues. The newborns start to paint. (they’re really smart for their age). At the end, they present the dolphin pottery to be seen. I can’t wait now that the balance of power is even. They go right over and proceed to give it to my wife anyway. What? Huh? Now she has four dolphin statues. This dad/mom has none. I leave confused. I guess the bond between mom and daughters is about more than just giving birth. It is an intangible one that can’t be measured in the amount of pottery your kids give you. We leave with our newly expanded family. This dad will continue to work to balance the power and earn the love of his wife and many kids. Now get me an ice pack. That labor was painful!!!


About dadmissions

author of Dadmissions. surrounded by a wife and two girls... and a dog named Cupcake
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