An open letter to the women of America.
Dear women of America: Most men are idiots. Me included. I admit it. I know my wife is being pulled in fifty different directions but still I sit there trying to pull her in fifty-one. I’m not talking about the dopey men in sitcoms who can’t change a diaper or do anything properly. I’m talking about the nagging, attention-seeking, husband whores who cling to their wives. I’m one of them too. Hello, my name is Peter from Dadmissions and I’m a husband whore. At the end of the day, all the different forces tugging at my wife have made her human wishbone.
The things tugging at my wife:
A full-time job
If it was a pie chart… It would be four-fifths kids, husband, and job, and one-fifth everything else. The miscellaneous ends up being anything else she needs to get done. I put personal time at the end with an asterisk.. Because when it comes to stats we know anything with an asterisk was either juiced up with performance enhancers or never really existed in the first place. In her case it is the latter. She doesn’t have it.
I know my wife is being pulled in a bunch of different directions but I still can’t help myself from being a selfish nag for wanting time with her too. This is the identifying factor of a husband whore. You may recognize the symptom. This morning, the wife literally had one kid beside her on the bed, one kid on top of her like a koala, and then one husband cozying up beside her. No wonder she darts me the death stare. I’m a husband whore. And then I feel GUILTY for feeling SELFISH. I end up watching ESPN or Storage Wars to drown the guilt and to give my wife a few minutes without me nagging. So I’m making a resolution now in front of everyone. Call it a sort-of pre-New Year resolution. And it is a resolution for husbands across America to share. I resolve to be less of a husband whore.
We the undersigned husbands of America promise to do more and demand less. We recognize our wives are busy and being split in a million different directions. They deserve more personal time and less nagging, more miscellaneous time and less nagging, more anything and less nagging. We will strive to have less husband whoreishness (made up word) and in exchange we demand nothing. This shall be a sign of personal respect for our wives for the lives they live as wives, mothers, and women, and the many jobs they are doing.
The Men of America