Dadmissions: Sharing With The Spouse

 

Dadmissions NEW blog: Sharing with the Spouse

My wife Gloria and I share everything…what couple doesn’t. She knows where my unfortunate, hidden birthmark is. She knows what size my underwear is. She knows about the time I came home all happy from my bachelor party and announced everything in the room was spinning before I promptly threw up in the shower (it was a long time ago). The same go

es for me. I know the type of Spanx she uses (does that get me killed just for admitting I know she uses Spanx?) I know about the time an inebriated friend tried repeatedly to get her to eat cold, fried chicken for an unknown reason. I was there twice when she had c-sections to deliver our girls. I saw parts of her that no one has EVER seen. And don’t get me started on the kids between diapers and noses and bathrooms and hampers. We’ve shared it all. Or so I thought. Because recently I learned that hell hath no fury like your significant other when you use their razor or deodorant without permission. The most recent quote from my wife pretty much sums it up:

“YOU. You used my deodorant. You abused, destroyed, and decimated my deodorant. You are like the locust of deodorant”.

Maybe I am. Maybe the truth hurts. And maybe over the course of the past 19 years that we’ve known each other she might have warned me on more than one occasion about using her special, mini “Secret” deodorant. Maybe I just didn’t listen well enough. Maybe as man, I just wanted to know once and for all what the Secret was. Is that so wrong? All the experts say couples don’t last if they keep secrets from each other, and I can only imagine that includes deodorants too.

Yes, I’ve been warned about the razor as well. I don’t know what it is, but sometimes her pink, five blade razor with special softening skin soap and handy carrying case included just seems like the better choice. It’s almost like the BMW of razors, the sleek, trim design calling to me to use it without permission as opposed to my two-blade, blue, disposable sharp thing which barely gets through one shave. You want me to have a close shave like Taylor Lautner or George Clooney or Harrison Ford.. I better use the five blade, four-star, three-buck per blade, super sheer razor.

We can share.. Can’t we?

Of course I know there are limits. For example, I know toothbrushes are off limits. I don’t really have a problem with it but other people do. We’ve kissed each other enough over 19 years where pretty much anything that might be on a toothbrush we’ve both probably been exposed to anyway. Somehow I think we’ve both been inoculated from the spouse cooties yet I know sharing bottled drinks is off limits too. Same thing. It’s gross to share even though we both see no problem with double dipping chips into the very same dip that everyone else at a party has been dipping in. So I don’t know how to move on. Do I concede that my wife has a few, precious things that are hands odd in my life- deodorant, razors, tooth brushes. Or do I push the issue because we are husband and wife, till death do us part, and we share everything no matter what. Or do I recognize that I might hasten my own death if I don’t just give in and stop using her stuff.

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About dadmissions

author of Dadmissions. surrounded by a wife and two girls... and a dog named Cupcake
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