Now that we’ve had the girls for a few years, the warranties have all expired, and it’s clear we’re not returning our purchases, I thought it would be a good time to outline from A-Z just why we’re satisfied with the kids. Here goes.
A- anxiety. I thrive off the feeling that I’m teetering on the edge of a cliff ready to fall off and with kids that’s the feeling you have most of the time. From swim lessons, to driving lessons, to their first dates, there is plenty of anxiety to go around for years to come. Enjoy.
B- bathrooms. It is a wonderful bonding experience to get five minutes of alone time in the toilet as one kid feverishly knocks on the door and then forces entry only to guilt you into hurrying up and getting out of there because they need to go so badly.
C- cereal. I love when you take them out to a restaurant for breakfast and instead of getting pancakes or an omelette, they buy a four dollar single-serving box of pre-packaged cereal instead.
D- doors. There is nothing more wonderful in a house full of kids than hearing the sound of slamming doors. Slam. Slam. Slam. Sorrrrryyy.
E- entertainment. Summer vacation with the kids. Congrats! You’re now the cruise director on the Love Boat, filling up two months of entertaining options for the kids.
F- farts. There I said it. No filters here and no filters at home either. The kids do it. I do it. The dog does it. If we could harness the flatulence power of this little house we could solve the world’s energy crisis.
G- Geniuses. Yes, the kids are on a steep learning curve and already believe they know more than you do. And in some cases it’s hard to believe they’re probably right. Just tell em no one likes a smarty pants.
H- Hello Kitty. A special mention to you, little, white, happy, money-sucking cat who is back on the rebound with a whole new generation of kids. Thank you for making us buy every shirt, keychain, soap dish, and sandwich with your funny little face on it. Delightful.
I- Internet. Thank you for taking over for television when it comes to endless hours of babysitting the kids in front of often brainless, mindless, and useless knowledge.
J- Juice boxes. How wonderful the companies have figured out a way to put six ounces of juice in a box or pouch. Cups were just too inconvenient. And it’s so much better to let kids squeeze the straws and shoot juice across the room,
K- kisses. Kid bribes. They throw these out like pieces of candy to make up for the other a-z’s. These kids are sneaky and conniving and will plant a kiss to win back your affection when you least expect it.
L- Legos. Or as parents call them.. The do-it-yourself massage kit. Step one: let kids drop random pieces on the floor. Step two: walk on random pieces on the floor. Step three: feel the pleasure
M- My Little Pony. Talking horses with special powers. Nice. Sorry kids, unicorns aren’t for real, but talking ponies with princess names, well you need to judge for yourself.
N- Nagging. Please, can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I please???????? No.
O- Owwww! The phrase most uttered by parents when the kids jump in the bed and accidentally deliver a ninja foot to the midsection.
P- PTA. The parental version of Survivor. It’s a wonderful sharing experience to team up with parents to make the school year more special for the kids, only to pair off into cliques and hurt feelings over which parents are really the best.
Q- Questions. Not the questions the kids ask that you know the answers to, but the ones you don’t. This is for the questions that the kids ask that you aren’t sure of, the questions which you try and make up a plausible answer to which may or may not be right.
R- relaxation. I forget what this one is.
S- Sex. I forget what this one is.
T- Time alone. I remember what this one is but can’t remember the last time I had it.
U- under the… The most common phrase uttered when something goes missing as a parent. Did you check under the??? How about under the ??? I’d look under the….
V- victorious. If you make it to the kids’ high school and college graduation day then you can declare yourselves the parental victors. You have tackled parenthood and you have won… So far.
W- water. bathtub, kitchen, backyard pool. Water is a great way to stretch the limits of your hardwood floors or your lawn as the kids experiment with the laws of physics and just where water goes when splashed at a high velocity.
X- X-rays If your kid is getting an X-ray then it’s never good. They can pretty much guilt you into any toy or special meal out after one of those. Good for them. Bad for you.
Y- Yelling. We all have kids here. Enough said.
Z- zoo. It could describe your house or the place with actual animals. Either way, get ready for shouting and screaming- perhaps the kids and perhaps the animals. A houseful of kids often resembles a zoo… But I wouldn’t have it any other way.. Or would I.
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